my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize