I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
