u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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