Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
