apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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