Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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