Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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