someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
