The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
