I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
