Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
