"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
