i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
