Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
