I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
