I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
