And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
