mondays should just be called national damage control day
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize