If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
