Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish you could order shots online.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
