I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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