I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
