it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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