My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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