You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
