I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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