I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
