she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
