i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
