Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I did not marry a roomba.
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