she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
