Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
