i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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