i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
