With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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