TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
