Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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