She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize