Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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