Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
