You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
