Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
