It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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