whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
