I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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