Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
