I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
