i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
