tell your sister to shave her snatch
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
