I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
