I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
