There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
