She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
