I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
