Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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