Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
