Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
