My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
