I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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