you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize