Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
