I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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