Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize