I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
