There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
