I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
