Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
