My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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